President Donald Trump concluded his Republican midterm convention on Thursday by leading the audience in a pledge … to himself.
Trump asked the crowd to raise their right hands and begin: “I pledge to the greatest president in the history of the United States.”
The crowd dutifully repeated the line, calling Trump “the greatest president in the history of the United States.”
Trump added: “that loves us so much he can’t even breathe.”
The crowd again repeated the line, but then it got a little harder to follow.
“That I will go out with my family, my friends, I’ll do it anyway, I don’t care if I’m registered or not. I’m going to try and cheat like hell like they do,” he said. “There’s never been bigger cheaters, they don’t care. I am going to go out and I am going to get my friends, my family, and we are going to vote on November 3rd or we are going to vote before that.”
Unable to repeat all of that, the crowd cheered.
Trump realized he lost them and reset.
“Are you ready?” he asked. “Here’s the way you ― “
But he wasn’t ready himself as he got sidetracked by people in the audience. He tried once more to finish, with the crowd repeating after him, but left them behind as he went off on another tangent.
“So help me God,” he concluded.
The crowd repeated that part heartily.
“You know what happens if you don’t vote?” Trump asked. “You go to hell!”
So much blasphemy that he’s telling his supporters they’re going to hell!
You make this deal with a demon. You immediately die and arrive in Hell. It’s not so bad, you have to walk over flaming coals to get anywhere and the demons inserting fiery brands into every orifice are pretty unpleasant, but you’ve had worse. You begin to settle into your new life.
A few years pass in this fashion, until one day the demon knocks on the door of your abyssal torture cottage. You ask him why he has come. He says it’s time for your eternal punishment to start, and he’d like to introduce you to your new roommate.
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