What kind of program has this internet-brain-rotted masculinity brought us? A public-health official who neglects fatal outbreaks of preventable diseases because he seems to believe that only the strong should survive. A Department of Defense, renamed the Department of War, that launches a needless war of choice in the Middle East. A government that props up the fossil-fuel industry (manly) while deliberately suppressing green alternatives (girly), leading to a catastrophic rise in energy prices when that war doesn’t go as planned. A president who imposed tariffs to bring back “manly jobs,” but only drove up inflation instead.
It’s hard to see how any of this has made men’s lives better. But maybe making other people’s lives worse is enough.
Okay, here is my example of masculinity: my old man. A short scrawny little Asian scientist that got up early to go to work, came back late in the afternoon and still found time to play with his kids no matter how tired he was. He was never anything but loving to his family, 100% treated my mom as an equal partner, brought over my grandparents to Canada and then supported the entire family.
Yes he had his flaws and he admitted to them and worked to become better.
He was never loud or obnoxious, but knew his job and wherever he ended up he just did whatever had to be done to get on with whatever job was in front of him, be it reinsulating the house or interpreting data from a complex nuclear experiment. And if was truly stumped, he either found out the answer himself or asked someone that knew the answer.
He never competed with his sons (my brother and I) in an unhealthy way and made sure to teach us both academically and morally. And he wasn’t afraid to show his emotions. When I finally left home, I left a letter saying how thankful I was to my parents and that I hoped I would make them proud of me. My old man cried upon reading it.
To me, that’s masculinity.
My husband’s father is very much like this too. The best parenting advice I have ever got was from him: “sometimes you just have to love them (your kids) through it (the hard thing)”.
My husband, repects, trusts, and loves his father. He’s always there, he never points blame, but is just all around emotionally available, and supportive to all his children, teaching them what he can, and always with an open heart/mind. It’s really beautiful to see, as a person who has never expierenced what a good dad is myself. And now, My husband has been helping me raise my son, not even his, since he was 6, with the same dedication and emotional support. This is the “gift that keeps giving” I want for my son (the joke being the gift that keeps giving is generational trauma). The gift of having generations of not perfect, but good, accountable, at peace with themselves, dads.
Im so glad your father was good to you. It is absolutely something to cherish.
Being “strong” and having a solid “sense of masuclinity” (which can mean so many things, I dont know what words to use here), are covered under emotional regulation. Emotional regulation, is dependable, and dependable is just a good trait for anyone to have. In the past, something a “man is”, one could say the word, dependable. “I can depend on my father (for support)” is, so freaking huge imo.
It takes strength to overcome hard, boisterious feelings. To regulate them, and tackle a problem with logic, in place of exlposions. To take a moment to breathe, lower your blood pressure before opening your mouth, and give space for your feelings and undersranding them as such. It is easy to explode with emotions, and act “big and tough” like a cock with his feathers puffed up for battle; it is not easy always, to stay calm, and approach things with EQ.